Don't Know How
by Alicia08
Summary: Buffy has trouble coping after her short visit to LA to see Angel Sequel to "Do What you have to Do"


Title of story: Don't know how

Author: Alicia08

Email: nychick08@yahoo.com

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. But if I did…oh the possibilities!!!

Distribution: Sure…if ya want. Go ahead. Just leave my name on it!!

Pairing: B/A

Timeline: Takes place a few days after "I will remember you"

Description: Buffy has trouble coping after her short visit to LA to see Angel

Author's note: This story is a companion piece or sequel to "Do what you have to do". No worries though. It's not a necessity that you read "Do what you have to do". Just as long as you know the gist of what occurred in "I will remember you" then your set. 

Authors Note: The song being used is "Do what you have to do", by Sarah Mcglachlan. Lyrics to song are represented in Italics.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

~_What ravages our spirit, conjured this temptuous rage~_

_~Created you a monster, broken by the rules of love~_

Buffy woke with her heart pounding, her breath coming in gasps. It was only a dream she told herself desperately. The same dream that had come every night since her visit with Angel the week prior. The same dream and the same shameful lingering physical evidence when she awoke. Her nipples were hard and acutely sensitive as they touched the sheet in which she held close, and there was an aching emptiness between her thighs. 

No. It's not quite the same. This time, she was bath in sweat. Strange, the window was ajar and it had been distinguishably cool when she entered her room that night, and went to sleep, but she was burning up now. She stroked a hand though the strands of her golden hair, and let out a small breath filled with fear, and yet wanting and yearning. 

Something ached deep within her, a desperate need for * him*, crawling it's way into her soul, ripping at her flesh, devouring every piece of her naked body, until she gave in. But she refused to. She fought against the urge, dispensing it from her thoughts, her dreams, her mind.

It was a loosing battle

~_And fate has lead you through it~_

_~You do what you have to do~_

She had deliberately gone to LA to see Angel, to put finality on their relationship. Well, that and to give him a piece of her mind. But ever since then, things had gotten worse. He haunted her thoughts every minute of every day. She even found herself becoming distracted on her nightly patrols. Nearly got herself killed one night. 

She had been walking through the cemetery, like she did most nights, her mind wondering, when she should have been focused on her job. Searching out the undead, and hopefully, before the night was over, all that would be left of them was a pile of dust. 

She had been thinking of him of course, and hadn't noticed the group of vampires that crept up and surrounded her. Five, six maybe. The first four had been a piece of cake. A couple of undercuts, few jabs to the face, and then Mr. Pointy had done the rest. 

~_And fate has led you through it~_

_~You do what you have to do~_

And that was when it happened. The image appeared in her head suddenly, clear as day, and as quickly as it came, it was gone. It had left her disoriented, stunned and confused. Her mind whirled, and the two remaining vamps, had taken advantage of the situation. One grabbed her from behind, his hand tightly clasped around her throat, while the other charged her from the front. On instincts alone, she had thrust her left feet out sending the vampire in front of her crashing to the floor hard. Getting her focus back, she elbowed the one behind her, and his hands loosened from around her neck. Turning to face him, she landed a right hook, sending him stumbling back a few feet. She quickly scanned the ground looking for her stake. She had dropped it when the images filled her head. 

She caught site of it, resting against, a tombstone, a few feet away. Just then a sharp jab had sent her tumbling to the floor, grimacing in pain. Her eyes flashed open, and the vampire that had attacked her from the front, now stood hovering over her, his eyes glaring menacingly. Scampering on the ground, she quickly made her way to wear Mr. Pointy laid. She snatched it up, and as the vampire once again charged her, he impaled himself onto the stake in which she held in front of her.

She picked herself up, glaring at the last vampire standing, her eyes flashing threateningly. Before she could react though, he was gone. He wanted to live another day. He wasn't stupid; he knew alone, he had stood no chance in a battle against the slayer. 

Shaking her head, to rid her self of the memories "God, what is wrong with me," she exhaled, her hands resting on her forehead, before parting through her hair. 

~_And I have the sense to recognize~_

_~That I don't know how to let you go~_

She sighed as she flung the covers off her lower extremities, and got up from her bed, quickly making her way through the darkness to the bathroom, stumbling on the carpet. "Dam," she cursed, the sting of tears making it's way down her cheek. Quickly flicking the light on, she gradually made her way to the mirror, staring at the reflection it beheld, her hands resting on the edges of the porcelain blinding white basin sink. Why was she crying? Her toe was throbbing yes, but it hadn't warranted tears. 

Fear and joy caught in her throat at the sudden realization that smacked her full on. Her dream had been very vivid, almost as if it were real. God, could it be real. Let it be real the voices in her head shouted. Screamed. Wait, it can't be real. It's impossible. It was only a dream. Just a dream she forced her self to concede. It could never… She told her self, the dream cutting deeper every second.

~_Every moment, marked with apparitions of your soul~_

*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Angel gazed blindly at the sun starting it's decent behind the tall buildings of the city, as he stood safely stashed away in the shadows, the last fading beams peering through the window to his office. 

Six long torturous days had past since his encounter with Buffy. Since they spent that glorious day together, in which he alone was fortunate enough to remember. Fortunate indeed. Knowing that what he and Buffy had experienced that day, could and would never be revisited or reinvented was heartbreaking, agonizing, distressing, and painfully excruciating – yes -, but to have the memories of that day as a lasting and life long memento… to experience what he'd hoped for, since the first time he laid eyes on his soul mate, gave him an immense yet heartrending joy, that he would cherish till the day he died.

The lingering memories of the day he spent with Buffy were still fresh in his mind. He could recall every second of that day perfectly. It played out repeatedly…different scenarios, things he would of done differently, things she would of done differently, but they all ended the same way. With Buffy walking out of his life.

Angel turned and just stared at the door to his office. The memory of Buffy walking out that door, out of his life, lingered. His emotions were like a whirlwind, threatening to overcome him. He could feel his resolve just crumbling away, being blown away in the wind, as the realization of what he had done hit him. He felt numb all over, his mixed, conflicted emotions roaming free, his disposition like that of a roller coaster.

~_I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire~_

He sighed, and after a few minutes, slowly strolled towards his desk, collapsing into his chair. He let his muscles relax, and let his head fall back, resting on the softness of the chair. He recalled making love to Buffy. No, not the first time, but the second time. The memory he alone had. He remembered how different it had felt to make love to her as a mortal. To feel his warm skin against hers. To hear the beating of his heart, as their bodies became one… amalgamated, under the covers. 

There was no uncertainty, no fear of loosing his soul, and releasing his demon upon the world. 

Upon Buffy. 

The desire to sink his fangs into her soft skin and taste her blood was gone. The blood lust that had ruled his will was replaced by desire for her. Desire to make love to her. It called to him, and he answered.

He could recall the soft tender kisses she planted on his chest. The way she tugged on his earlobes with her teeth. The way she sucked gently on his nipple, left at first then made her way to the other, circling it with the wetness and warmth of her tongue. She had become far more skilled in the aptitude of love making than before, and this was something he wasn't quite sure if he should be thrilled about. 

Throughout the course of the night, he had made peace with his indecision, and decided, her newly found expertise was of the good. 

There had been a passion between them. One that had been building, and yearning to be set free ever since their first kiss, three years prior. That night, a fire flamed uncontrollably within the two, setting his bedroom ablaze with passion and fervor. Just a small innocent touch had set things aglow. 

~_The yearning to be near you~_

_~I do what I have to do~_

Angel remembered sitting in the kitchen, and his conversation with Buffy. He had insisted that they wait before they rushed into anything. To make sure the mortal thing was legit. The last thing he wanted to do, was rush blindly into something with Buffy and have things go terrible wrong. He wanted to make sure first. Make sure things were perfect. That his soul was protected. He didn't want to cause Buffy anymore harm or heartache than he already had. 

And she had agreed. Agreed to wait, because neither of them wanted to relive the past, and then it happened. A small gesture, movement, and their hands touched. In that instance, they both felt it. Felt the overwhelming desire, the yearning, the violence of existing for only the other. It had been intense, extreme and concentrated between the two.

Their lust, passion, and most importantly, love, for each other had laid dormant, since they found out the consequences to acting out such emotions. They had afterwards, tried to rebuild their relationship, but it had been too dangerous. What if neither of them could control their will? They had then tried to stay friends, but being in the same small town did nothing but strengthen their desires for one another. They had even tried a long distance relationship. Him in LA, she in Sunnydale, but things just got too complicated. It had gotten too painful to hear each other's voice over the phone, but not be able to physically be apart of each other's life. 

They both tried to disregard their feeling. Their love. Their unquenchable thirst and need for one another, with very little luck.

And then the visit from Buffy's mother had made things far too clear to him. He wasn't a fool. He had realized that if he had stayed in Sunnydale, he would loose himself in Buffy, inevitably loosing his soul as well. He knew he had to go. Stay far away from her as possible. For her own good, but he hadn't the will or the heart to leave her then. Not until the mayor at first, but it was Joyce that opened his eyes to what Buffy's future might hold if he was a constant force in her life. Before, all he had been worried about was loosing his soul again. But he hadn't realized the most obvious. What kind of life would Buffy have if she had a freak of nature, a vampire for a lover, a companion? What would she be giving up for him?

Buffy deserved more than he good ever give. The minutiae he had garnered that day had given him the resolve to leave. It was as clear as the most cloud free day, that Buffy was something he wanted more than anything in his life, and with that knowledge, he knew what he had to do. 

~_The yearning to be near you~_

_~I do what I have to do~_

Summoning up every bit of strength and will power he possessed, he had walked away from her. From her world, in a cloud of smoke. He had remembered standing amongst the fire trucks, the sound of their engines and sirens deafening. She had been searching the area for him, scanning it, until she caught site of him. The two had spoke volumes with their eyes that night. No words were exchanged; just a look, a long stare, and then he turned and walked away.

But in that moment, with the most innocent of touches, a hand on a hand, all the sexual tension, the lust, the ardor, the passion, that had been building up inside for those few years, burst, and was unleashed. It was as if the two had been starving, and the other was a delicious, mouth watering juicy stake, that they couldn't help but devour. They had ripped at each other's clothing, as if it were a barrier, preventing them from breathing. The quicker they got through it, the quicker they would inhale that which gave them life. 

_~But I have the sense to recognize~_

_~That I don't know how to let you go~_

They had landed on his bed in a tangle of arms and legs, neither knowing where one began or the other ended, and neither caring. They had shared something new, something newly discovered, and they had seen a world of possibility, that had evaded them for so long.

~_I don't know how to let you go~_

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The clouds hovered gray and heavy in the sky above. Just the sight of them made Buffy feel as if they were pressing down, smothering her in a sluggish languor. No, it wasn't the weather. It had been like this the day before. But she had been experiencing this heaviness since she had opened her eyes that morning; awaken by the same lust filled dream two nights prior. Why did she continue to think about him, to dream about him….the same exact dream. Was this some kind of prophetic dream, or…

_~Burning ember, burning hot, burning slow~_

_~Deep within, I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you~_

No, she didn't even want to indulge the possibility. It was a simple dream, nothing prophetic about it. Nope, none what's so ever. It was a waste of time, and too painful to even consider the possibility, because, it lacked all sorts of possibility. It was impossible. No need to get your hopes up only to later have it crushed.

"Buffy" 

"Huh, what," Buffy jumped, swinging around to see her best friend staring at her perplexed. "Willow hey," she started, but suddenly arched an eyebrow "What are you doing…. Um, don't you have a class now," she finished, raising her right hand to look at the gold trim watch that adorned her slender wrist. "I thought we were suppose to meet up later"

"Yeah," Willow sat on the bench next to her friend. "Professor Walsh had some urgent meeting she had to attend, so hurray….she ended the class early," the red head finished a bit giddy, as she placed her books on the table in front of her. It was now her turn to arch an eyebrow. "What are you doing out here on the campus grounds. I thought the reason you didn't come to class today was because you weren't feeling good" 

When her friend did not answer and looked as if she was lost in one of her dazed states again, eyes looking off into foreverness, thinking about-- "Buffy"

"Huh" Buffy jumped once again. "God Will. I'm so sorry. What were you saying" the blond looked up, weariness apparent in her features

"What's wro—" the witch stopped suddenly finally figuring out why her friend seemed so distant the past few days. "It's Angel?" although phrased as a question, she knew it to be fact

Buffy didn't answer, her head lowered as she stared at her hands, twining her fingers together nervously.

"Did he say something, cause ya know if he did, I could do him some real damage," she stated with a slight smirk, wanting to put a smile on the slayers face… and… and it worked. It wasn't a huge smile, but Willow saw the edges of Buffy's mouth slowly etching into a smile. A tiny little microscopic smile, but it was better than nothing

"No," the O dragging on for a bit. "he wasn't mean or anything" She straightens up and turned her body to face Willow "We said our goodbyes quickly. I only saw him for like 3 minutes, and then, that was it. Although this Mehre…Morta… Montra… Um, this demon thingy crashed through his window, but Angel killed it on the spot. It was kinda weird, but…" she trailed off "Just seeing him again – " 

"Hurt," Willow finished. 

"Yeah," Buffy sighed "A lot"

"It's only natural Buffy," Willow tried to heal her friend's pain. You and Angel had that whole Romeo and Juliet forbidden love thing. Although Romeo wasn't a vampire and well, Juliet wasn't a slayer, but they loved each other, but fate just dealt them a bad deal. Things that they had no control over kept them apart. Although in the end, they both ended up dead, with the fake poison and all, and Romeo thought his Juliet was dead, and god that was so sad. If only he would of gotten the message, or… or… if Juliet would of woken up earlier then…and I'm rambling aren't I," Willow finished with a embarrassed smile

"Yeah… just a smidge," the slayer pointed out, her hand held in front view, her thumb and pointer finger pressing down on one another. "But I get what your trying to say," she concluded. A few seconds later "Romeo and Juliet? Really?"

"Forbidden love of the rawest form," the red head pondered. "Yep, Romeo and Juliet… Buffy and Angel. Really"

Buffy nodded her head in silent agreement, her face grim with pain of the obvious comparison "Really"

"There's something else," Willow observed. "You have a something else face," she probed, after a few seconds, wanting to get to the root cause of her friends pain. 

"It's just that I've been having these dreams," Buffy acknowledged after a while. She lifted her head, and locked eyes with her best friend. "Willow, these dreams were vivid. The kind with surround sound, and techno color. I'm talking the hills are alive with the sound of music kinda vibe. Every thing was so clear, not usually how most dreams are, and it's really freaking me out," the blond ended, fear creeping into her voice.

"Buffy it's ok. What was the dream about," Willow asked a little panic. She's hasn't seen Buffy this wigged in a while, and it disturbed her.

Buffy's gaze suddenly fell to the floor "I keep dreaming about Angel"

"Well, that's not that abnormal, really. It's only natural, considering a week ago, you guys were face to face"

"And me. We were um-" Buffy looked up to catch Willow's confused face

"Oh, oh, OOOooh. That kind of dream," the red head finally caught on, now a little flushed 

Buffy continued. "It was the night I came back from LA, and I wanted to get a little patrolling done before I called it a night. Everything seemed fine, and then"

"What?" Willow asked intrigued

"I don't know exactly what Will. I just got these images in my head. I don't know where they came from, they just came. It seemed so real Will." She stroked a hand through her hair. "He was alive. I could feel his heart beat. I could hear it. It seemed so real," a tear silently flows down her cheek. "Ever since then, every night, I dream the same exact dream. Angel and I. We make love, and it's perfect. He doesn't loose his soul, and we're together. Finally together," she finished, now on the verge of sobbing

"Buffy, it's just a dream," Willow comforts, her voice low and soothing

"But how can you be so sure," Buffy looked up through tear-filled eyes, her vision blurred. "I mean…" She faltered, grief caught in her throat, as she sobbed uncontrollably resting her head in the lap of her best friend. 

Willow stroked a hand through Buffy's hair, again, and again, trying desperately to soothe the slayer. "Buffy," she started, "I…I know your not going to like this, but it's impossible. Angel can't become human. It's just not possible Buffy". Willow gently raised Buffy's head, smoothing the slayers blond locks out of her reddened face. "Look at me…I know you want this to be real, but it's not Buffy. It can't be real"

"I know. I know," Buffy reluctantly conceded, as she wiped the tears from her eyes. "It's just I wish I could stop having these dreams"

"Give it time" Willow concluded. "Sooner or later, you need to learn how to let him go"

Buffy gazed up at her friend, fear glistening within her orbs "I don't know how"

"Give it time," Willow once again reiterated. "Give it time"

~_I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do~_

_~And I have the sense to recognize, *but* I don't know how to let you go~_

_~I don't know how to let you go~_

_~I don't know how to let you go~_

THE END!!!!!!!


End file.
